breathingblood

31st Birthday

2009-12-15T03:24:04Z

Last week was my 31st birthday. I few days after I got out of the shower and "Men of A Certain Age" was playing on television. I looked in the mirror and saw my hairy beer belly and thinning hair. Then I syed and laughed. Everything's cool.

Chirstmas movie

2009-11-30T01:40:36Z

Last night I played a show with Slithering Beast. It's been a long time since I've played bass for a crowd of people. It felt great. Better still, we played at a place with a huge P.A. meaning my bass sounded big and awesome. Zack and Zane seemed to also have a good time. All in all, it was a good break in show.

why why why

2009-11-15T02:55:34Z

Anxiety is back, I think about my dog dying all the time. I think about Sarah getting pregnant. I think about Sarah not wanting to hang out with me. I think about getting old and dying alone. I think about 2012. It's Saturday night and I haven't been out all weekend. I just want to sit at home and cuddle with my dog.

Sitcom

2009-11-08T17:10:50Z

I need Greg Bradys help. I was supposed to eat dinner with Girl A till Girl B called and asked if I wanted to go to a concert. And of course I did. So I immediately called Girl A and made up a lie as to why I couldn't make it that night. Later in the day while at work I was playing around on facebook and noticed Girl A was planning on going to the same concert as Girl B. So after my mini freak out I thought up a scheme so I could still go to the concert and if caught wouldn't look like a bad guy. Long story short, my plan worked. The funny part is this is the second time something like this has happened with the same two girls. AND the EVEN funnier part is Girl B is just a friend, no sex, no making out, nothing, just hanging out once in a while. And I'd still rather hang out with her then Girl A. Sometimes I hate myself in the morning.

Happy Holidays

2009-11-03T16:52:07Z

Halloween night I went to Target and Meijer and drove past Walgreens. All three already had Christmas decorations out. I get the whole consumer thing and the rush to be first. But it all goes to prove my point, Christmas has become too big and commercial. Like Charlie Brown said.

I should've known

2009-10-26T18:11:21Z

Sometimes you're so close to a problem that you can't see the simple solution. For years I've thought that as I get older I've become bad at sex. But it seems that condoms were the culprit. It's like a midget has my penis in a stanglehold. I've only had sex with three girls without a condom. And as I look back I begin to realize that everytime I've had mind blowing, life altering sex it was without a condom. I should've been able to pick up on that earlier but for whatever reason I didn't. Now that I have that figured out I can move on but the next immediate problem has already arrived. I feel stuck in this relationship. I've been hanging out with a girl I dated in highschool. She's going on and on about how her mom loves me and I was the best boyfriend she ever had and blah blah. I find the whole thing off putting. I wasn't looking for anything serious, I just wanted to hang out and catch up with an old friend. And as the old story goes one thing lead to another and we end up having sex. Oh and before that she made a big deal about she didn't want to have sex unless she was sure "I liked her, like that". I had every intention in the world that night to tell her we weren't looking for the same things but again, it all starts with an innocent movie, and a little cuddling on the couch. The next thing I know I'm on my way to work without brushing my teeth. If a friend came to me with this same situation I would say "man up, you have to tell her". But that's easer said then done. I could go for the weasel way out and just hang around till she realizes we have nothing in common. But I have my suspicions that will take longer then I can handle. I know what I need to do. Damit damit damit if only I didn't put such an emphasis on integrity. Well, if I had real integrity I wouldn't be here in the first place. I suck.

Chugging along

2009-10-24T14:55:16Z

I've passed the oral part of the CFI check ride, I only have the flight left to go. Sunday Dan and I will fly and I'll be legal and ready to go. My mood has been pretty even latly, no extreme ups, no extreme downs. I can live with that for now.

I must be gay

2009-10-20T15:16:59Z

I must be the gayest dude in America. Last night a cute drunk girl called me to say she was drunk in her car and didn't want to drive home. She also pointed out that when she has too much to drink she gets "touchy feely" and all she wants to do is hug and kiss. I was a fool for going in the first place. We both knew there was no place for us to go cause we both lived with our parents. But anyway I was hungy cause it was late and I hadn't eaten yet so we went to Za's after a beer we went outside for a smoke and walk down Bardstown Rd. arm in arm. By the time we finished our cigarettes another dude had text with a place to stay. So of course being the gayest male in America I dropped her off and by the way given the time and opportunity was probably the best bang of her life. It coulda been me, so gay so gay. I hang my head in shame.

Check Ride

2009-10-19T03:10:31Z

My second CFI check ride is tomorrow. I got the big pink slip on the first one. I thought I was ready and could handle this first fail but in fact it's killing me. I know tons of guys that passed on their first try and I know some that took three trys. But it embarrassing all the same. I try so hard to be a proffesional in my chosen career and I study all the time and I thought I had a real chance at getting through on my first attempt, but no dice. All I can do for now is just keep talking. I'm eventualy say everything the inspector wants me to.

more teeth grinding

2009-10-12T23:32:59Z

More teeth grinding. Last night while I was grinding and dreaming I dreamt two of my back teeth and part of my gums fell out of my mouth. Also in the same dream I dreamt my friend Chris (which I haven't seen in months by the way) curb stomped some girl, a friends ex-girlfriend. And he was about to be arrested.

this is kinda funny

2009-10-10T14:03:32Z

I think this is funny, so here's what happened. Nick and I come dragging in from band practice last night tired and hungry. Nick ask if I'm hungry and starts rummaging around in the fridge. After a few seconds of not finding anything tasty I see his fist dart to the back of the fridge as he gleefully exclaims "there's a Busch Beer left" then as if by pure magic a second beer appears right next to it. I shout "it's like christmas morning" We both erupt into jubilance, hooting and hollering, and dancing around the kitchen. Then I come to a sudden hault to look at Nick and say "maybe we are alcoholics?" Then we both erupt into laughter again like kids in a liquor store.

Alcoholic

2009-10-06T17:25:37Z

My friend thinks we're both alcoholics just because we both had five beers last night and neither of us were drunk. Plus we both had at least five beers the night before. He went on talking about having three beers a night is at the top of the normal level but over that is at an alcoholic level. I don't subscribe to that idea. I say addiction is defined as consequence. We both go to work everyday and don't drive drunk. Everyones body chemistry is different. I just like to drink a little more then the "normal" person. I can't help it if other people can't handle there liquor.

playing bass

2009-10-02T14:31:59Z

Tomorrow is the big day. I'm still not up to par. Practice practice practice.

Grinding Teeth

2009-09-30T15:24:05Z

I've been grinding my teeth at night while I sleep. I mentioned it to Nick and he said it was a sign of anxiety. I hadn't even told him about that yet.

Crazy dreams

2009-09-29T16:08:52Z

I wouldn't call it a nightmare but it was definitely an unsettling dream. It's difficult to explain because there weren't many definites involved. All I remember was that it happened in Atlanta and most of my family were there. We were at a church or a school and there was a stage with the curtains drawn and round tables with red table clothes. There were people setting up fine china for an event about to happen, maybe a graduation. For some reason I got pissed off and started ripping up the joint. Knocking over tables, breaking glasses, and screaming about god knows what. When I was satisfied with the damage I caused I went down the stairs on the side of the stage. That just so happened to reminded me of the elementary school where my mom worked. Then I walked down the aisle and saw my family sitting in a crowd and heard my mom going on about how I was a raging alcoholic. When I walked out the front doors that scene reminded me of the church I went to as a kid. The thought popped in my head to stop by the hotel and pick up Taco, about that time I woke up.

Anxiety

2009-09-28T15:52:47Z

My Anxiety is going through the roof. I feel scared most of the time. Of what, I do not know. It comes and goes. I've narrowed it down to two possible causes. The first thing I thought of was I've been drinking alot more as of late. Alcohol is a depressant as everyone knows. So first step is it cut back. The second thing I came up with is ever since I came home from Atlanta I haven't exercised at all. Exercise is a great stress releiver as everyone else knows. So today (my day off) I'm going to start my morning rergiment again. We'll see what happens.

It seems like every couple of years I go into a funk and it's always the same remedy. Less alcohol, more exercise. hahaha When will I learn?

On a more positive note. I was asked to play bass in Slithering Beast. And I accepted. I've wanted to play bass in this band even before it was a band.

breathingblood @ 2009-09-27T12:02:00

2009-09-27T16:05:17Z

if the FSDO doesn't call me by tomorrow I'm going to call them.

No man is an island all to himself

2009-09-24T02:51:56Z

Humans are social creatures. There's a deep seeded need for others to be around. So why is it that we're going more and more to an isolated culture, with the internet shopping, self checkout at the grocery store, and the ATM machines?

I posted this on facebook earier today. Someone commented that I think to much.

Naw, not really. I enjoy thinking about life, future, problems (personal and social). I like to think of myself as an artist. I don't have any technical skill. But I enjoy painting, playing music, writing. What I'm tring to say is an artist thinks about everyday things and sheds new light on it, or atleast ask the questions that spark thought.

I'm not even asking new questions, it's more that I ask old questions to new people.

Bad Day

2009-09-23T17:26:13Z

Today is a bad day. I feel empty and alone. I can handle being alone. But it's the emptiness that kills me. It's difficult to explain. My heart feels like it's just not there. Not in my stomach, not in my throat, just not there. A matter of fact it feels like nothing is in my chest at all. I almost feel hungry. I would eat if I thought I could hold it down.

The catch 22 is that I know I have nothing to be scared of, nothing to whine about and that makes me feel even worse. What are the things I worry about? the dumbest shit. Most times I feel really really dumb. That's why I don't smoke weed, cause it makes me feel even dumber. I worry about going bald, and my facial symmety being fucked up. These are superficial things that I know shouldn't matter. It's a whole cycle. I try to be smart, look smart, sound smart but more times then not I come off as being an asshole. I don't like myself because of this. If I met another person that acted like I do. I would go out of my way to NOT hang out with that person. The harder I try the worse it gets and if I just give up and "be myself" well that's not very good either. I've been dealing with this for years and sometimes I think it's working out and is worth pursuing but other times I think I may need professional help. My sister has done it, friends have done it. I don't know. I still have a long way to go before I feel so out of control I can't handle things myself.

hhmmmmmm more it come later. going to work.

CFI checkride

2009-09-23T15:27:02Z

I finally got the knod to go ahead and make an appointment for the CFI checkride. I have to fax in my request and they'll give me a date. I guess within a week or two we'll see what I'm made of.

I feel at ease and super confident but that makes me feel scared, I feel as if I'm going to forget something. There's only one way to find out.

breathingblood @ 2009-09-20T12:19:00

2009-09-20T16:22:09Z

Doing some ground with Dan today. We're supposed to fly tomorrow but the weather isn't looking good. Weather weather weather, it's always something.

breathingblood @ 2009-09-19T20:29:00

2009-09-20T00:36:08Z

STILL studying for a checkride, CRM papers to write, and the temptation for the weekend hangout. Too much going on. If I could just get these damn papers finished.

breathingblood @ 2009-09-19T12:06:00

2009-09-19T16:08:30Z

I have the best instructor on the field to help prepare me for the CFI checkride.

back home

2009-09-16T01:11:36Z

Ok I'm back in Louisville after two weeks of CFI classes in Atlanta. I was going to use an arrow that Johny P got for me but it seems to be having problems so I called Dan H today. I really need to get this finished before I forget everthing, or just plain old lose interest. I'm also taking a CRM class with UVU. It's reading and writing papers. The two things I suck most at. Oh well, there goes my 3.9 GPA. It could be worse, I guess.

The Book

2009-09-12T17:21:48Z

So I'm back from two weeks of CFI training and while I was there I told the guys in Atlanta some of the A Suburan Blood Drive stories. Then while driving home a spark of genious hit me. I got the idea to put all the ASBD stories into one place, one book. But just as easily as a thought of the idea I put it out of my head like so many other half baked ideas of mine. Later that night sitting on Ash and Nicks pourch they mentioned in a joking manner writeing a book of ASBD stories. I jumped out of my seat and ran with the idea. So today I'm compiling some of the stories I've already written and pitting down ideas for other stories I'd like to write.